Ambition

One of the good sides of getting older is that you sometimes come to learn things about yourself that were always kind of there, hidden away in the background, but that never quite made it into conscious thought.

One of the things that I am learning is that I am just not that ambitious, at least not as defined by the usual meaning of the word. Although nice worldly goods are pleasant, and I certainly wouldn't be happy living in a complete dump, I just don't desire a huge mansion, shiny new car or high-profile job. Cars depreciate, big houses aren't necessarily filled with joy and a high-profile job would likely be high-stress and extremely busy, all of which just leaves me feeling cold.

I like having time with my family, time to myself to think and wonder, and time to spend with friends. I wish I had more time to write silly blog entries and sit in churches and wonder at history. I only get one chance to live my life, and I don't want to turn sixty or seventy and realize that I spent most of my adult life in an office, chasing promotions or more money, to the detriment of my family and my life.

Apart from my fascination with technology, I guess this is one reason why I like software as an area in which to work. It allows you to specialize, be competent and committed to good work, to work hard yet still able to go home in the evening to relax, while nonetheless earning reasonably good money.

The things for which I now do harbor ambition are much more intangible. I really want my children to have as many opportunities as possible. I want to be surrounded by family and friends and community. I want to listen to music, think and be intellectually engaged. I want to be able to contribute in a direct and meaningful way to society and the community.

In many ways, this is simply what I have always wanted and who I have always been. It has just taken me a while to realize just how important it is for me. And for a very social person who nonetheless finds it hard to make friends, I've never really had enough of a social network for my taste, despite having made many great friends over the years.